I'm listening to dangerously nostalgic music. "Music to wake up with the sunrise." It's a playlist very reminiscent, at least in vibes, to the Minecraft soundtrack. This particular mood of music always hits me with a wave of melancholy, a few glimpses of memories and a look at the worst parts of myself. I don't play Minecraft much anymore.
The last time I felt like this was around two years ago, playing a visual novel called "Our Life: Beginnings and Always". It's a purely feelgood "game" that doesn't force you to pursue the love interest. Its primary goal was to invoke the sensation of growing up alongside another person. It was cheesy. It was gay. I played it anyway.
I'm someone who takes an extremely long time to form real emotional connection to people. I shot myself in the foot in many ways as a kid. As much as I hate to admit it, I care a great deal what other people think of me. I'm scared of them and overly self-conscious. I became addicted to porn, video games, and escapism in general; unrestricted access to the internet in middle school is a bitch. I simultaneously became a hollow people-pleaser and a selfish prick - all bark and no bite, all talk and no action. By this point, unchecked, it feels like I don't know how to be genuine and vulnerable anymore, but I want to be. Our Life's glimpse at a life where one grows up alongside a dear friend, a portrait of a relationship so easy and natural, made me crave that desperately, and I've missed my chance. I do have that with one or two people, but in a brotherly sort of way. (To my three "brothers", I'm more grateful to you than I can ever express.) Nobody in their twenties has the time to form the emotional bond of the people you experience the tumult of growing up with. Even in my current relationship, I don't feel like I can "be myself." Partially because I don't know who I am, partially because I feel like I need to meet an expectation of who she likes. Sometimes I feel like I'm dating just because it's what I "should" be doing. It felt like that in my previous relationship too. I don't feel things strongly in general, so it's hard to tell if it just needs more time or if I'm really not supposed to be doing this. Right after I graduated college, my mom expressed concern that I was really making an effort to date. In the course of our conversation, I expressed frustration that it felt like I should have everything in life figured out by now - who I want to marry, what I want to do for the rest of my life. She just said "yeah." Before my previous relationship, the one before was longer lasting and felt more genuine, but still wasn't all there due to my parents not approving. I came close to dating someone else recently they wouldn't have approved of, too. I don't fit fully into either camp, and I waste away while I try to "figure myself out."
I'll muddle through, as always. Sorry to all the folks who'll never know all of me.
Kissed Maci for the first time on Saturday. She said she'd been waiting patiently for it for weeks now. Blew nearly everything I wrote the other day to smithereens. Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing it right, I guess. Not to say there's no room for improvement. There's always room to improve and grow and learn more about each other, so it's no excuse to get lazy now. I do worry about the distance. She's looking for new jobs and it hasn't been easy to find stuff closer to where I'm at. She's actually looking farther away in some cases. As much as I'd like to make this work, I've done long distance before and I don't want to do it again, as much as I like her. I mentioned that I'm thinking about, eventually, moving to be closer to my family down south, but not right away, and she said she's willing to consider following me if we really get serious, but we're not there yet nor am I moving south yet. Tough stuff, I'm sure we'll figure it out. I did realize yesterday that I'm bad at describing people. I already knew that I had a hard time keeping track of little details - I can barely make it through the day if I don't write down things that need to get done. My head just can't keep them straight, or they'll swirl up there and I'll get paralyzed. Guess that extends to my knowledge of people. My folks asked me to tell them more about what she's like and I completely froze up. I do know things about her. I know her favorite roses are orange and yellow, and she's big into watercolors and general craftiness, and she loves to cook and take care of plants, and all kinds of things like that. I just couldn't recall them when put on the spot like that, it was weird and unsettling.
In other news, the mead is okay. It's slowed down a bit, but is definitely still fermenting. That's a lot of honey - it's gonna be a strong mead. Taking gravity readings every few days now to keep track of when it slows down and is ready for clarification. Got some bentonite for that. The folks at the homebrewing shop are super helpful. Unfortunately I didn't take a standard gravity reading at the beginning, like a moron, so I won't know exactly what the ABV is when it's done. Just going by the estimation mentioned last update.
Maci's coming over today. She lives far enough away that weekday visits aren't feasible with our work schedules, so we weren't able to do anything on Valentine's Day, and I feel a bit bad that I don't have anything particular planned for today. We've been dating for about five months, but it sort of snuck up on me and I haven't done anything particular for Valentine's in years. Today's planned to be low key, the sort of low key we've been keeping things at for a while. Cooking together, running around town to do errands - it's all very domestic. I can't shake the feeling that I don't do enough. I'm very much an introvert, but I like to think it's not in the NEET sort of way. I can go out and have a good time and be normal around people, I just find it draining, and I'll eventually hit a point where I stop being normal and just sort of shut down out of the blue. I'm not an overly romantic person, either. I'm not particularly comfortable with major displays of affection - I like things quiet and plain. That said, I know she likes me - like, like likes me. We've told each other as much, and she absolutely wouldn't lead me on if she wasn't serious. Why is it that I can accept that I'm low key, but can't quite understand that she might be just as low key? Haha. Maybe that's just a part of love - always wanting to do more for the other. Maybe it's just a matter of finding a balance between that drive to please and not feeling like a total failure to meet expectations. More thoughts on Expectations to come at another time.
I'm not posting about batch No. 1 - I didn't have a good understanding of the process, nor the patience. The end result was terrible.
Recipe No. 2:
- 4 lbs. honey from the local homebrewing shop. Appleblossom.
- 1 packet Lalvin 1122 yeast.
- 1 gallon distilled water.
I heard from a friend that mead will, on average, produce 5% ABV per pound of honey per gallon. At 4 pounds of honey with one gallon of water, that's a theoretical production of 20% ABV.
That said, L-1122 yeast has a 14% ABV tolerance. My hope is that the unconsumed honey will keep the mead sweet, as this yeast is known to produce rather dry stuff.
One week in a 5-gallon bucket primary fermentor. Three weeks in a secondary 1-gallon glass carboy. Racked a second time, but I think the fermentation has stopped :(